What the hell is up with that?

Like everything else that changes so have the winds.  They have picked up and brought more rain.  Some of you are watching leaves begin to change. I  miss that season when I am not there to see it.  However, I am glad I have seen it happen many times.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the things we take for granted.  How does one remind themself not to?  Someone once told me to never regret the things that I have done.  Isn’t that taking your actions for granted though?  What about that other person that told me to learn from my mistakes?  Were they wrong?  Doesn’t learning come with regret?  If I could change my life, would I?
I am envious of people that have an idea of what they want out of life.  I feel as though I am just beginning.  A late bloomer in the big picture of reality.  Will these winds bring my answers? 

I feel this canyon growing between me and society.  I am to the point where I don’t care anymore.  Am I going to be one of those people that everyone else wakes up and reads about.  She was this and she was that…mean while there is no one person that could really say they knew me?  I wonder about this.  Is it narcissistic and shallow of me…perhaps.  However, what do we really know about the people we hang out with.
I am over the assumptions.  I am over the self centered bullshit that comes along with life.  Isn’t it hard enough to wake up everyday without the stupidity that comes along with it all?  One thing, if any, that this trip has taught me is that the people that have guided me to this day have done right by me.  As for the rest of society…they can suck my ass. 
All I ask is that all of you people that need a good kick in the ass please pull your head out of it before the blow comes.  I am no different than you.  I love the same way, I have friends the same way, and I take a fucking shit the same way.  So, before you get some idea in your head about me why not ask me yourself. 

I feel the confusion setting in more and more.  I am trying to figure out what exactly I am doing with the next 6 months of my life.  Do I continue to outrun something that catches up with me every night in my dreams and everyday in my thoughts or do I give in and settle for what my life has become?  I am notorious for fucking up good things.  I just can’t help it.  Call it a tragic flaw.  I am like a kid with too many options on a saturday morning. 
The dynamics have changed for me here.  All the friends I made in the beginning have left or are leaving.  It’s like they’ve been voted out of my life either by me or some unseen force.  Some I have voted out because of a disregard for human emotion on both parts.  If you think there is a vortex in Asheville, wait till you spend a month here. 
I won’t lie, Asheville holds a deep deep place in my heart for many different reasons.  Actually about 15 to 20 particular reasons.  I do miss my friends and my family.  I do miss my little pups and Gato.  I miss my pub and the comfort of those mountains.  However, I don’t know that I want to be there.  There’s too much there that I fear, if in my face everyday,  would be the death of me. 
So what is there to do?  Continue to bite a lonely bullet and suck up the emotional pain.  I have a great job and I make really goooooood money.  I have made some really amazing friends.  I am considering culinary school.  (Don’t hold your breathe)  And I still have no idea what I want to do with my life. 
When I first came here I spoke with a local who had watched people come and go all her life.  She told me that only the loners survive this island.  I didn’t think she was serious.  Now I know she wasn’t bullshitting.  Perhaps I am a survivor after all.  Either that or my ego just won’t let my mind give in. 

but I love them and Brian too.  check em out Bri…